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Chef Tunes'			Favourite Jokes!
I make soup so thick that when I stir it, the room goes round. We were eating in this open-air café when it started raining. It took us an hour and a half to finish our soup. I don't want to panic, but my alphabet soup says, "Forget about me...just try to save yourself." (Tom Wilson) You ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup? (John Mendoza) He found a great way to eat his wife's soup. He pretends it's mud. (Milton Berle) She loves to make soup--especially cream of yesterday. (Milton Berle) Everything she cooks turns out tough. Can anyone lend me a soup knife?			A minister was at a banquet when a careless waiter dropped a steaming bowl of soup into his lap. The minister looked around the room with agony in his face and finally whispered, "Would some layman kindly say something appropriate?" (Milton Berle) A middle-aged man was sitting in a truck stop when three mean-looking bikers walked in. The first walked over to the man and stubbed a cigarette out in his soup. Then the second biker spat in the soup. Finally the third biker picked up the bowl of soup and threw it on the floor. Without saying a word, the man got up and left. "He wasn't much of a man, was he?" sneered one of the bikers to the waitress. "Not much of a truck driver, either," she said. "He just backed his truck over 3 motorcycles." A guy sat down in a restaurant and ordered a bowl of bean soup. "I'm sorry," the waitress said, "but the customer next to you had the last bowl." The guy could see that the other customer had left most of the soup. "Could I have that?" he asked. "Sure." So he started eating--but halfway down he discovered a dead mouse. "Ugh," he said, "I just found a dead mouse in the soup." "That's as far as I got too," said the other man." "Good manners: the noise you don't make when you're eating soup." (Bennett Cerf)  There was once a snail that was sick and tired of his reputation for being so slow. He decided to get some fast wheels to make up the difference. After shopping around a while, he decided that the Datson 240-Z was the car to get. So the snail goes to the nearest Datsun dealer and says he wants to buy the 240-Z, but he wants it repainted "240-S". The dealer asks, "Why 'S'?" The snail replies, "'S' stands for snail. I want everybody who sees me roaring past to know who's driving." Well, the dealer doesn't want to lose the unique opportunity to sell a car to a snail, so he agrees to have the car repainted for a small fee. The snail gets his new car and spent the rest of his days roaring happily down the highway at top speed. And whenever anyone would see him zooming by, they'd say "Wow! Look at that S-car go!"   There once was an ambitious young waiter who left the Regents Palace Hotel in London to join the staff of Claridge's. On his second night in the dining room, as he was serving soup to Lord and Lady Thingamy at table 14, he noticed that one of her ladyship's breasts had fallen out of her décolletage and was, as they say, hanging loose. With perfect aplomb, he replaced it in her bodice with a soup spoon and returned to his station, where he was met by a glowering maitre d'. "That may be how they do things at the Regents Palace Hotel, Higgins," he snapped furiously, "but in Claridge's, we would always use a warm spoon." Checking the menu, a restaurant customer ordered a bowl of vegetable soup. After a couple spoonsful, he saw a circle of wetness right under the bowl on the tablecloth. He called the waitress over and said, "It's all wet down here. The bowl must be cracked." The waitress said, "You ordered the vegetable soup, didn't you?" "Yes," he replied. "Well, maybe it has a leek in it." (Milton Berle) The cannibal wiped his mouth daintily and said, "My wife makes great soup. But I'll miss her." Bill and Hillary Clinton were at a restaurant. The waitress asked Hillary for her order. She said, "I'll have the onion soup and the chicken dinner." The waitress said, "what would you like for your vegetable?" Hillary said, "He can order for himself." "Waiter, this soup is spoiled." "Who told you?" "A little swallow." "Waiter, there's dirt in my soup. What does this mean?" "If you want your fortune told, go to a gypsy." (Milton Berle) The chef tells the waiter, "Push the soup du jour. It's a week old." (Milton Berle) "Waiter, what's that in my soup?" "I'd better call the manager, sire--I can't tell one insect from another." "Waiter, what's this?!" "It's bean soup, sir." "I don't care what it's been. What is it now?" The cook flew into a rage at his new waiter. "Didn't I tell you to notice when the soup boiled over?" "I did," said the waiter, "It was 3:30 pm." "Now that fly knows a good soup." (Milton Berle) What did the mother ghost tell the baby ghost when he ate too fast? Stop goblin your food. What do you get when you put three ducks in a box? A box of quackers. Why couldn't the sesame seed leave the gambling casino? Because he was on a roll. Why did the student eat his homework? The teacher told him it was a piece of cake.   What did the hungry computer eat? Chips, one byte at a time. Why do fish avoid the computer? So they don't get caught in the Internet. What did the cannibal order for take-out? Pizza with everyone on it. How can you tell if an elephant has been in your refrigerator? Footprints in the cheesecake. I trained my dog not to beg at the table. How did you do that?   I let him taste my cooking. What's in an astronaut's favorite sandwich? Launch meat. What do cats call mice on skateboards? "Meals on Wheels." Why do you eat so fast? I want to eat as much as possible before losing my appetite. What did the mayonnaise say to the refrigerator? Close the door, I'm dressing! What did the left eye say to the right eye? Between us, something smells. Jack: Would you like some Egyptian Pie? Jill: What's Egyptian pie? Jack: You know, the kind mummy used to make. The customer asked: "Do you serve crabs here?" "Yessir," repplied the waiter. "We'll serve just about anybody." What starts with "t" ends with "t" and is filled with "t"? A teapot. Why did the man eat at the bank? He wanted to eat rich food. What does the richest person in the world make for dinner every night? Reservations. What has ears but can't hear a thing? A cornfield. What's the worst thing about being an octopus? Washing your hands before dinner. What did one knife say to the other? Look sharp!   Why did the man stare at the can of orange juice? Because it said 'concentrate.'                      How does the man in the moon eat his food? In satellite dishes. Did you hear the joke about oatmeal? It's a lot of mush.   Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons? "Today's egg is better than tomorrow's hen." --Turkish proverb "Success comes before work only in the dictionary." --Anon.   Why wasn’t much fruit allowed in Noah’s ark? --Because only pairs were allowed? What do you call a cow that eats grass? --A lawn-mooer. Why did the pig keep driving around the parking lot? --Because he couldn’t find a porking place. What is the easiest way to catch a fish? --Have someone throw one to you. How does a farmer move his cows? --In a moo-ving van. How does a bull buy his food? --He charges it. What kind of bird is at every meal? --A swallow. What do frogs eat for lunch? --Fly burgers. Why did the bubblegum cross the road? --Because it was stuck to the chicken. Where do sheep like to go on vacation? --To the Ba-haa-maas. How do chickens save money when they go shopping? -They use their coop-ons. Where to sheep get their haircut? -At the baa-baa shop. How did the farmer count his cows? --He used a cow-culator. What keys are too big to carry in your pocket? --Donkeys, turkeys and monkeys. Why did the farmer feed his cows money? --He wanted rich milk. Why do cows have horns? --Because they are moosical? Why didn’t the chicken cross the road? --Because he was chicken. What do bears eat? --Bear-ies. Why do chickens lay their eggs? --Because if they dropped them, they would break.
	What did the Spanish farmer say to his chicken? --Oh lay. What do you get when you cross a hen and a shark? --A chicken of the sea. What do cows read? --The moos-paper. Where do cows go on vacation? --Moo York. What did the porcupine say when he ate the Vindaloo? --This tastes very spiky. What happens when a dog stays in the sun too long? --It turns into a hot dog. Why did the snail want an ‘S’ on his car? --So people would say, ‘Look at that ‘S’-car’-go. What is the difference between a tuna fish and a guitar? --You can’t tune a fish.   Why did the cow eat a chocolate bar? --Because he wanted to have chocolate milk.   Where do pigs keep their savings? --In piggy banks. Where do cows go on vacation? --Cow-lifornia. When a pig burns himself, what does he put on it? --Oink-ment. Why was the cow afraid? --Because he was a cow-ard. What is a ducks favourite snack? --Cheese and quackers. Where do touch chickens come from? --From hard boiled eggs. What do frogs drink? --Croak-a-cola? Why did the dog jump in the lake? --To catch a cat-fish. Where do fish keep their money? -In riverbanks. What day of the week does a fish hate the most? --Fry-day. What kind of fish is greedy? --A sel-fish.
I went to a restaurant that serves "lunch at any time." So I ordered bean soup  the Renaissance." (Stephen Wright) "What is Dracula's favorite soup?" "Scream of tomato."   "What does a dragon eat with soup?" "Firecrackers."   "Waiter, there's a dead fly in my soup!" "Well, you asked for something with a little body in it." "Hey waiter, this soup tastes like dish water!" "How do you know?" "Waiter! Is there soup on the menu?" "No, sir, I wiped it all off." "Waiter, I can't find any chicken in the chicken soup." "Well, you won't find any horse in the horseradish either." Waiter, my plate is wet!" "It's not wet, sir--that's the soup." A man walked into a restaurant and said, "I'd like a bowl of soup and a kind word. The waiter brought his soup in a moment. As he put it down, the man whispered, "How about the kind word?" The waiter said, "Don't eat the soup."
	There are only two kinds of Soviet soup: Russian shchi, made of cabbages and beets, and Ukrainian borscht, made of beets and cabbages. Russians say, "We know that you can turn an aquarium into fish soup; the question is, can you turn the fish soup back into an aquarium?" The sea was angry that day my friends, like an old man trying to return soup at a deli. (Seinfeld) "There are two types of people in this world: shlemihls and shlimazls. A shlemihl is the person who always spills soup, and a shlimazl is the person he spills it on. I'm the shlemihl and you're the shlimazl." (Bernstein to Archie Bunker in "All in  Family") What do you see in a chicken coop? --Hen-tertainment. What kind of key will not open a door? --A turkey.